Wednesday, October 21, 2009


Last week, I was lucky enough to swing a work day short enough to take my daughter to her kindergarten class' "book fair". For those who aren't familiar with such a thing, a book fair is when your local elementary school brings in a book vendor to hock their wares to raise money for the school. My daughter and I were looking forward to this event, and she already knew what she wanted to look for before we even left the house. What was supposed to be a fun evening out with my family, quickly went down hill...I should have known.

For reasons I have yet to discover, my little girl has taken a big interest in space, specifically the solar system. So as we walked into the book fair, I was on a mission to find some really cool books about the planets and stars. It wasn't long until I started to hear a make-believe "mission control" relaying the message; "Huston, we have a problem" in my head.
I've known for some time now that public schools are but a few steps away from allowing your children to be raised by monkeys for the better half of the day...but the reminder I was experiencing was more than I needed to see right now.
As I searched and searched, dodging all sort of snot dispenser, and their accompanying "parents", I began to think someone was playing a trick on me for some 21st century version of Candid such luck. After asking the lady running the book fair and seeing her own efforts to find just one, it became clear that there was not one book about the solar system to found at this book fair.
This sparked my curiosity, so I looked to see what else might be missing. Also M.I.A. were any books related to our nation's founding, basic civics, or history in general. With the exception of books concerning the animal kingdom, there were very few books about science at all.
"But Roadhouse, what kind of books were there at this book fair?" I thought you'd never ask. If you are fans of "SpongeBob", they got'cha covered. "Harry Potter"?. No problem. Those of you raising teenage girls will be happy to know that there were volumes of "Hannah Montana" books and related "swag" (at an elementary school). And for those of you who have the foggiest idea of what a "Pokemon" is (don't ask me), you can rest easy knowing that there books, toys, and all manner of paraphernalia to explain it.
If the racks and racks of every kind of dragon slaying, spell casting, vampire dating piece of crap book weren't enough, this book fair just wouldn't have been complete without the at least six different books about President Obama that I saw displayed. Washington? Zero. Lincoln? Zippy. Jefferson? Zilch. But Obama? SIX!

After taking a few minutes alone to go to my "happy place", I calmed down enough to ask the lady in charge who decides what books make it onto the shelves. She gave me a look that told me that she knew exactly what I meant, and why I was not happy, and assured me that unfortunately it was not up to her. She then explained to me that her company has decided to focus on putting books that are "big sellers" on the opposed to books that actually teach kids something of value. By that logic, I guess we should hope that "Mien Komph" or "The Anarchist's Cookbook" don't start selling big numbers again.

On the up side, we decided to forgo the government option, for the private sector, and will be looking for a book about space at Barnes & Noble...where you can also by a copy of my book, I'm Not Hitler! What You're Not Allowed to Know About the real "Right Wing".

Friday, October 9, 2009


To be fair, I am not going to blame this one on President Obama. As usual, I woke up this morning wondering what "fresh hell" the media or our government was going to heap onto us today. And as usual, I was not disappointed.
I was just finishing with getting my daughter ready for school when my wife called out from the living room, "You've got to be kidding...they gave him the Nobel Prize". At that point, pretty much all you can do is crack a glib/sarcastic smile and continue trying to master the skill of pony-tail tying...a skill no truck driver should ever need, but hey-my daughter likes her hair that way.
Of coarse they would give him a Nobel Prize. After all, when your list of recipients includes Yasser "Jihad" Arrafat, Jimmy "Misery Index" Carter, and Al "Chicken Little" Gore, why would you not add Barak "Spread the Wealth" Obama to the mix. Then I heard the convoluted reasoning behind the decision to nominate him, and I almost drove off the road with laughter. The "promise" to stop nuclear proliferation and bring change to the world? Really? A "promise"?
If a "promise" is all it takes to win a Nobel prize, then let me throw my hat into the ring for next year's round right now. I figure with the current criteria for winning a Nobel prize, I will have no shortage of competition. Let's face it, just about anyone can win one, the average two year old child, house plants, Cartman from "South Park", and Sea Monkeys. After all, we've all done about as much to create "peace" as Obama has. But I must say, I truly believe that I may have an edge over any competition I might face in next year's running. I have some really cool promises.

1. I promise to bring world peace, and interplanetary peace as well. (I'm a "big picture" kinda guy).
2. I promise to bring back 8-tracks and "The Muppet Show".
3. I promise to bring Subway, KFC, McDonald's, and Pizza Hut to Ethiopia.
4. I promise to invent donuts that make you thinner and smarter.
5. I promise to bring Micheal Jackson back from the dead...with his original nose.
6. I promise to prove to the world that rap music makes you dumber.
7. I promise to outlaw droopy pants and sideways hats.
8. I promise to create a car that runs on good intentions and "BS", so liberals can have a cheap way to get to around.
9. I promise to make it rain coffee every Monday morning.
10. I promise to make President Obama actually read the Constitution.

I really shouldn't make fun of this too much, after all, let's look at all of Obama's Nobel Prize-worthy accomplishments so far.

Victory in Iraq...not.
Victory in Afghanistan...not.
Stopped Iran's nuke program...not.
Israel/Palistine problem solved...not.
Crime in Chicago ended...not.
Increased value of the dollar...not.
Caught Bin Laden...not.
Decreased deficit...NOT!
Struck fear into the hearts of our enemies...not.
Helped Darfur...not.
Lowered unemployment...not.
Brought world peace...not.
Brought peace in his hometown...not.
Brought peace to the average water cooler political discussion...not.
Learned how to spell "peace"...maybe.

Monday, October 5, 2009


In the recent weeks following the September 12th "T.E.A. party" protest in Washington DC, a common theme has been popping up in the mainstream media. Apparently, if you disagree with the President, you are by default a racist. OK, let's examine that concept.

From a mathematical perspective, the numbers just don't add up. Exhibit "A" would be the fact that Obama was elected, and by a healthy margin. That means that more than half of the country was willing to set aside the color of his skin on election day. From that we can conclude that up to that point, the majority of the nation was not racist...or at least not anti-"black".

Exhibit "B" would be the fact that Obama's approval ratings were in the high 60% range at the beginning of his term and stayed there for a matter of weeks.

Then something happened. According to the "left", otherwise known as the "media", a massive demographic shift began to take place. Apparently, a secret mass migration of white supremacists to America occurred at the exact same time as a secret mass exodus of Obama supporters from America. Making this even more insidious was the fact that the white supremacist were so adept at hiding their beliefs, that not one media outlet has been able to actually capture them in the act of saying or doing anything that could be legitimately construed as "racist".
It's as if you are to believe that everything President Obama has been doing would be just fine, if only he had a little less melanin. If he were white, we'd be totally cool with him taking his good old time with a plan for Afghanistan, as our troops flounder and die there without strong leadership from their Commander In Chief.
If only he were white, the massive debt he's creating for our children's children for the sake of his socialist ideology wouldn't even cross our minds.
It's definitely the color of his skin, and not his willingness to project American weakness and call it "foreign policy" that really gets under our skin.
That's right, we're all racists, and he's just an innocent black guy being hassled by "the man".