Sunday, August 22, 2010


One Saturday, Fred decided to take his sixteen year old daughter Jane car shopping. Her grades were good, and she had been holding down a part time job, so he felt she was worthy of her own set of wheels. Not yet in the first mile of their shopping excursion, Jane let out an ear piercing shriek proclaiming that she had found her ride of choice. "That one, that one right there!" she screamed.
Slamming on the brakes, Fred sailed into the otherwise vacant lot where the only vehicle present was a 1987 Ford F-350 diesel crew cab truck, complete with dual wheels and contractor's "shop body". Unsure, Fred asked his daughter if he had missed the car she was bellowing about. He had barely stopped his pick-up when she jumped out, ran across the lot and hugged the old Ford work truck as if it were her long lost soul mate.
Naturally assuming that this was his little girl's idea of a practical joke, he reminded her that their time was limited and asked her to get back in the pick-up. But Jane persisted, proclaiming that this hulking mass of metal, rust, and oil leaks was exactly the vehicle she both needed and wanted. Realizing both that she had never picked up a tool in her life, and that she was hoping to major in English literature (not masonry) after high school, Fred felt obligated to start asking some questions.
He asked Jane if she knew what kind of fuel mileage this truck was probably going to get. She proudly said that she didn't care. He then asked if she understood how difficult this truck was going to be to park. She acted as she didn't even hear him. When he asked if there was any practical purpose for her to own such a vehicle, she said "No, but who cares?"
Humoring her insanity, he suggested they call the number and see if they can arrange a test drive. She laughed and said "No way, why bother?". Upon further inspection, he noted to her that all six tires were bald, and the passenger door's glass was busted out. Again, his daughter ignored his observation.
Amazed at her ignorance, and short-sightedness, Fred impatiently asked her why on God's green Earth would she ever want such a colossally impractical vehicle to get from home to school in? Jane looked at him as if he had three heads, and after scolding him for being so incredibly ignorant and narrow minded she said "Are you kidding? Can't you see? It's BLUE!!!"

This story may seem unlikely and ridiculous in it's substance, but it's a perfect analogy to the liberal progressive's idea of advancement and hiring on the basis of "diversity".

Friday, August 13, 2010


In order to solve the issue of terrorism as soon as possible, I have decided to submit my anti-terrorism policy proposal today, rather than keep it in my pocket until my inevitable election to the U.S. Presidency. The following is a practical, effective formula designed to end terrorism in timely, efficient and economical manner.


Effective-immediately following swearing in ceremony.

Day one: I instruct the Joint Chiefs of Staff to launch a mass-media campaign including but not limited to leaflet drops, E-mail, radio broadcasts, text messages, and co-opted television spots across the entire Middle East. The message will be simple:

Attention: Due to the latest terror attacks in the name of Islam, the United States will be implementing the following response. As of today, every coalition soldier killed of injured in Iraq or Afghanistan will be replaced by three more soldiers.

Henceforth, our mission objective will no longer be to replace, or modify in any way the governments of any country or province in the Middle East. As of today, our mission will be to kill terrorists, and suspected terrorists. The United States reserves the right to enter any country harboring terrorists, and will use all resources to kill them and destroy their capabilities.
The United States will be implementing new rules of engagement. In short, if we have reason to believe you are a terrorist, we are going to kill you. If we have reason to believe you are helping terrorists, we are going to kill you. Any building known to contain a terrorist will be considered a priority target...including but not limited to mosques and/or madrases. Terrorists will be considered priority targets at all times...including but not limited to when they are among "civilians". We suggest distancing yourself from those you suspect of being a terrorist. It would also be in your best interest to assist coalition forces in the search for terror suspects, as we will be utilizing our newest anti-Islamic terrorism munitions.

I am directing the U.S. Army to deploy our new "pork round" technology. Starting today, every bullet, mine, rocket, bomb, missile, and grenade in our arsenal will be impregnated with pork fat in it's inner core. The pork will be extruded from pigs that have been raised by female Baptist preachers, and blessed by Jewish Rabbis.

We will no longer consider it our responsibility to replace or rebuild any infrastructure damaged as a result of our incursion. Remember, if you don't attack us, we won't attack you.

Regarding our current occupation of Iraq and Afghanistan. There will be a timeline for our departure, and it will be set by the United States...not the U.N. Until said deadline, the aforementioned countries will have the opportunity to convince the world that it actually wants to control it's own destiny. In the event that such aspirations are not demonstrated, our deadline will stand, and the resulting power vacuum will be filled by whichever entity wants it most. Human rights abuses and oil will no longer be a consideration of the United States as we will be drilling and refining our own oil and protecting our own civil rights with the help of the United States Marine Corps.

Those not wanting to live under Taliban or Al-Queda control will be given the opportunity to apply for asylum and U.S. citizenship after a lengthy screening process. In return, they will be obligated to work for the U.S. tax-payer through a supervised sponsorship program where they will earn their citizenship and resulting benefits until the day of their full citizenship.

We regret any inconvenience as a result of our new anti-terrorism policy, but then again, we didn't ask anyone to fly planes into our buildings either.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010


In the interest of full disclosure, I must reveal my one true fear in life...air travel. I do realize that for a most people flying is as routine as eating at McDonald's. For me, flying in anything under any circumstance is a crippling nightmare. Hence, I simply won't do it. So in an odd and irrational way, I have always had a certain admiration for anyone brave enough to board a plane. By my weird way of looking at it, you could be Jeffrey Dahmer and I would still be able to respect you for having the stones to fly. Those who fly for a living have always fascinated me. It stands to reason that these people would have to understand the law of averages alone makes their job particularly risky. Yet, they still go to work. Couple that with an increasingly whiny and belligerent public, and you have the makings of a potential emotional powder keg.

As a truck driver, I can relate to dealing with the public, while still having to maintain a professional attitude as you wear your company's logo on your chest. Representing your employers and keeping cool under pressure can be one of the hardest parts of driving an eighteen wheeler. So when I heard the story of the flight attendant who "lost it" and went off on the passengers on his plane, only to then deploy the emergency ramp, and go home, I knew I had a kindred spirit out there.
This guy is my new hero. He did something that most of us only dream of doing, and did it with style and passion. Really, grabbing the six pack of beer on his way to the chute was genius in it's simplicity, putting the cherry on top. In this summer of oppressive heat and an even more oppressive government, I had to wonder just how many of us will be "going stewardess" in the coming years.
I'm not saying what he did was right...but I understand.