ROADHOUSE DON'T FLY

WARNING!!! Before you read this, if you are a frequent flyer, I urge you to just skip this post all together.

Much like Mr. T's character "B.A. Barakas" from the iconic 80's TV show "The A-Team", I would have to be unwillingly and unknowingly knocked out if I were ever expected to set foot on an air plane...or any other aircraft for that matter.

Aside from my "Achilles Heal" of severe acrophobia, I have also been cursed with a tendency to notice things that others don't. Though that's great for understanding the world of politics, it tends to be a big fat anchor around my neck when it comes to all things risky or fun. Case in point; air travel.

I will not fly for many reasons. First, they won't let me take my .45 on the plane. Trust me, when matched against a nut-job with a box cutter, my .45 and I will be victorious. Unarmed, it's a crap shoot. Second, I hate lines and crowds.

The biggest reason I will not fly is my complete lack of trust in humanity today. Me getting on a plane would go something like this. I walk toward the plane and the little mouse wheel in my brain starts to spin off it's axle. I imagine the hung-over airplane mechanic who recently had a fight with his wife about using the wrong bath towel. I picture him angrily pounding on some random engine part that isn't fitting properly. He then forgets to install the right washers that are supposed to hold the fuel injection ports in place.

My mind then drifts to the pilots. Are they in that particular cockpit because they have decades of experience and are considered "indispensable" by the airline? Or are they there because some liberal, affirmative action/quota policy that requires the hiring of pilots of a certain ethnicity, as opposed to a certain competency?

I think of the factory worker who forged the engine mounts of my airplane. Is he a worker who actually takes some pride in his job? Or is he a union worker who does nothing more than what his contract calls for, regardless of how it effects the bottom line of his boss's company? Worse yet, is that worker an illegal alien who holds a fraudulent Social Security card that hides a record of arrests for drug smuggling and child porn?

I know, I know...you are more likely to get hit by lightning than be in a plane crash. But I don't stand outside in lightning storms either. And I know that more people get into car crashes than ever do plane crashes. Yeah, but how many people ever survive a plane crash? I've been in several car and motorcycle crashes in my lifetime and walked away from every one...so far (knock on wood). How many people do you know that have ever survived a plane crash?

If you still don't understand why I won't get on a plane, I suggest you ask the following people their opinion on the subject: Buddy Holley, Ritchie Valens, The Big Bopper, The better half of Lynnyrd Skynyrd, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Patsy Cline, Randy Rhodes, John Denver, Davey Allison, or Amelia Earhart.