WHEN I AM KING

When I am King, I will govern with a true conservative ideology. The following will be my "to do" list following my swearing-in ceremony.

1. Executive order: All environmental limitations regarding drilling, exploration, or refining of oil will be lifted.
Result: All oil supplying countries around the globe crap their pants, then commence the kissing of American asses wherever they may be. Terrorists everywhere are rounded-up and turned-in to American authorities as an act of "good will" toward America. O.P.E.C. increases production and drops the price of crude by twenty dollars per barrel simply out of fear that I may actually be serious about drilling for our own oil right here. Americans across the country return to spending money on goods and services, as opposed to gasoline. Wall Street responds in kind.

2. Executive order: All laws regarding immigration will henceforth be recognised, respected, and enforced to the maximum ability of our judicial system. If you are here illegally, you will be deported. You will be given an alternate option of joining your choice of U.S. military branch after intense education in our language and cultural norms. Companies guilty of hiring illegals will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
Result: The nation becomes more secure. Illegals self-deport and stop coming here due to lack of easy access. Health care costs drop due to no longer bearing the weight of illegal immigrants. Children's education scores improve due to shrinking of class sizes and less distraction due to language barriers. Car insurance rates drop due to no longer bearing the weight of uninsured illegal drivers. Traffic in metropolitan areas reduces due to the millions of illegal immigrants that are no longer on the road. Gas prices drop again, this time due to decreased demand from those same illegal immigrant drivers. Crime rates across the U.S. drops for obvious reasons. The judicial and prison systems become less clogged for those same reasons. Billions of U.S. dollars are not sent to third world countries but stay right here in our economy. Immigrants who respect our laws and come here LEGALLY are finally given the respect they deserve and love our country even more. The price of tomatoes doubles, but people gladly buy them knowing that they were picked by people who respect our laws.

3. I call out by name all those in Congress who are actively working to institute socialist ideology and make it my pet project to educate the people about them and actively try to end their careers in U.S. government. The days of "reaching across the isle" are over.
I instruct my Attorney General to bring charges against any member of congress or the media who's actions or comments can be deemed treasonous.
Result: People think before they speak.

4. I remind the American people that they are responsible for their choices in life, not the government.
Result: Billions of tax payer dollars are not spent bailing out failed corporations, farms, or mortgage loans. Sub-result: People think before they act.

5. I challenge the scientific community to prove that global warming is caused by man, and veto all legislation that limits growth or liberty on account of the global warming scam.
Result: Scientific community craps their pants and goes back to the drawing board. Sub-result: Americans can drive the kind of cars they want to drive. Expensive, mercury-laden CFL bulbs are no longer the rage. We become the top dog of industry again. New technologies are developed that actually do help the environment.

6. I proudly lower taxes on the rich, and make no apologies for it.
Result: "The rich" buy lots and lots of stuff. Stuff that needs to be manufactured by American workers. Unemployment becomes too low to accurately gauge. "The rich" invest billions of untaxed wealth in markets here and abroad, creating more rich people. Sub-result: The U.S. treasury collects record high revenues, and the dollar is stronger than at any other time in history.

7. I tell the media to get bent. Result: They still don't like the conservative guy.